If this text were written by ChatGPT, it would open with: “In today’s fast-changing world, people seem to focus less on human connections.”
Accurate sentiment, terrible sentence. Which is why, lucky you, this one is written by a real, undercaffeinated human. It’s about people. And about the restaurant industry, of course.
Because if you really want to know how humans are doing in 2025, don’t ask a futurist, ask the bartender who worked the Saturday night shift.
#1
2 months into working at a nice restaurant, we had our holiday party over the summer because of Covid cancelling the winter party. Open bar. Free drinks. You got “two drink tickets” but people would give those away left and right. A server who was 20 at the time was taking shots in her hotel room the whole night. Her boyfriend was working at the sister restaurant who was also there. She danced on a coworker of ours, her boyfriend called her out, she started fighting with him and his friend came over to diffuse the situation. She ended up jumping on his friend, biting him over and over, and was so reckless the cops were called. She was fired on the spot by the owner, but our GM managed to get her suspended for 2 weeks instead.
#2
I was bartending, and this guy came in and said he had just driven 19 hours from his hometown to move to Colorado and was going to get the name of the first person he met tattooed on him. I was the first person he met. I thought he was joking. He returned the next day with my name tattooed on his arm.
#3
One day I was bartending when my cousin, who served at the time, came up to me with his face white, completely aghast. We walked to the back and he relayed to me the following story.
He was waiting on a table of six celebrating their patriarch's 80th birthday. The family was in great spirits and enjoying a moderate amount of alcohol with their dinner. Everything was going smoothly until the time my cousin – we'll call him Stu – went to present the check. Stu went through his typical spiel thanking everyone and congratulating the birthday boy. At that point, the octogenarian shook Stu's hand and said, 'Do you know who I am, boy?' Stu had no idea, and said as much. The octogenarian pulled Stu closer and said, 'I'm the man who's about to lick your hand …' then followed through before Stu could comprehend what had just been said.
The previously happy family was mortified. Stu walked away in disgust, not returning until the family left. On the bright side, they left him $100. I'd let an old man lick my hand for a Benjamin.
#4
I ate there a lot. There weren't any vegan options but I'm not one so it wasn't an issue. They advertised a new vegan menu. I called up my vegan family members and said "Hey, come eat with me, I love this place." We all sit down for a meal. No vegan menu. When I asked about it the owner said "Yeah, we haven't got any vegan stuff but we did that ad to get more customers in. And look, it worked!" He lost a regular that day. Haven't eaten there since.
#5
I worked at a fairly well-known Thai establishment in NYC. Ethan Hawke frequented our place. It became so common that I hardly gave pause when I saw him. I don't really freak out about most celebrities, and he's not my jam anyway, but occasionally a customer would freak out and request something super weird like holding and drinking out of his used glass. One night, I was exhausted from two doubles in a row and the bartender was running his card. My boss occasionally binged on disco and cranked up the volume. I was pretty immune to it by that time. I was also falling asleep standing up. I yawned and opened my eyes to see Ethan Hawke disco dancing, "Stayin' Alive"-style. He danced right up to me, pointing his finger and all. I just stared at him and nodded.
#6
I am an American, living in Paris. I’m having a coffee at a café and hear a fellow countryman repeatedly shouting a word at the waitress.
Customer: “Late! Late!”
My first thought is that the customer is running late for something, and this is his weird way of telling the waitress to hurry up. It was only after a few moments that I realised he didn’t know that lait was pronounced “lay” rather than “LATE.”
Me: *To the waitress, in French.* “He means coffee with milk.”
The waitress nods and goes to prepare the order.
Me: *To the customer, in English.* “Hi! It’s actually pronounced ...”
Customer: “I don’t care how it’s pronounced. I see a ‘t’, I say a ‘t’. She should have understood me.”
Me: “You’re in France, so she really shouldn’t have to.”
Customer: “And you sound American! What took you so long to help me?”
Me: “I’m a customer like you. I was under no obligation to assist you, but I did so because you constantly barking ‘late!’ over and over was ruining my morning coffee.”
The customer and I have a stare off for a moment, but I go back to my coffee and my phone, so he backs down too. That should have been the end of the story, but the poor waitress brings him his drink, and he shouts:
Customer: “Why is there milk in this?!”
#7
Years ago when I was bartending a man showed up in the early afternoon and told me that he was waiting on someone, and when I asked he told me that it was his ex-wife and that they were celebrating that day. Now that was something that I wasn’t about to dig into so I just went on with my work but once she arrived they seemed remarkably friendly with each other and started ordering the works. Steaks, expensive drinks, appetizers they only took a bite or two of, and multiple desserts. Towards the end of the meal while chatting with the two of them I made the mistake of asking what they were celebrating. They told me that it was the birthday of their son who passed away, and every year they get together despite their divorce to celebrate him, order all his favorite food, and drink all his favorite drinks. They got a bit misty eyed but this seemed like a therapeutic experience for them. I on the other hand had to take 5 in the walk in freezer to have a little cry afterwards.
#8
I approached a table with a family of five to take their order. Two adults and three kids from about 5 to 10 or so. One of the kid starts to say something and the father cuts him off by saying “Don’t say another word Peter. Nobody says a thing until princess Mommy makes up her mind and decides what she wants for dinner.” Followed by long awkward silence and me leaving.
If there’s one thing these stories prove, it’s this: restaurants and bars are less about food and drinks and more about humans being gloriously unhinged in public.
Some guests will always mispronounce “espresso”, some will always flirt with the bartender, and at least one person tonight will absolutely do something that ends up in a group chat or a staff story time.
So the next time you sit down at a bar, remember: you’re not just ordering a drink, you’re quietly auditioning to be someone’s “you won’t believe what happened today” story. Choose your role wisely.
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